WELCOME. WELCOME ONE AS WELL AS ALL. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO “” THE LATE SHOW.”” I'' M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. THE BIG STORY–
( JOYS AND ALSO APPLAUSE)– FOR THOSE OF YOU PAYING
INTEREST TO THE GLOBE OUTSIDE, THE BIG TALE CONTINUES TO BE
GEO POLITICAL INTRIGUE. RUSSIA AMASSED 150,000 SOLDIERS ON
THE UKRAINE BOUNDARY BUT BOONT SAID THEY'' RE NOT INVADING, SO
IT'' S A REAL INSTANCE OF THEY WILL OR THEY DEFINITELY WILL.LAST NIGHT U.S. KNOWLEDGE
ANNOUNCED INSTEAD OF RUSSIA PULLING BACK LIKE THEY CLAIMED,
RUSSIA HAS ADDED 7,000 TROOPS ALONG UKRAINE'' S BORDER. OH,
RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA.
“MY– THIS REMINDS ME” >> OF'THAT SCENE IN “LORD OF >> THE RINGS:” > > WE ' RE ACTUALLY PULLING AWAY! >> > > OFFER PEACE An OPPORTUNITY! > > STEPHEN: SOME INDIVIDUALS “ARE”.
ATTEMPTING TO DE-ESCALATE TENSIONS. FOR INSTANCE, IN NEIGHBORING.
MOLDOVA, A PILOT OF A TRAVELER AIRCRAFT AT UKRAINE'' S BOUNDARY USED. HIS TRIP COURSE TO DRAW WORDS “” RELAX.”” (LAUGHTER ).
IT'' S A WONDERFUL SENTIMENT, BUT I PREFER MY PILOTS TO BE A LITTLE.
NOT-RELAXED.
( AS PILOT).
“” THIS IS YOUR PILOT TALKING, WE'' VE LOST BOTH ENGINES, BUT I'' M. CHILLIN ' UP BELOW IN THE CABIN. I'' VE TURNED OFF THE FASTEN.
SEAT BELT INDICATION BECAUSE IT WAS HARSHING MY MELLOW. WE'' LL HAVE YOU ON THE GROUND IN.
SIMPLY A COUPLE OF SEC, WAVE HELLO TO THE FIRE TRUCKS AS WE.
SKID FLAMING BY THEM.”” (LAUGHTER ).
( PIANO RIFF) MENTIONING INTERNATIONAL.
PROBLEM: THE OLYMPICS. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT AFTER.
THE RUSSIANS WON GOLD IN TEAM NUMBER SKATING RECENTLY, IT.
WAS REVEALED THAT OF THEIR TOP COMPETITORS HAD FAILED A.
MEDICINE TEST PRIOR TO THE VIDEO GAMES BEGAN.WHILE THAT SITUATION IS
BEING. APPEALED, NONE OF THE TEAMS ARE OBTAINING THEIR MEDALS, INCLUDING. THE AMERICANS WHO COMPLETED SECOND. AS An ALLEVIATION PRESENT. GROUP U.S.A. WILL CERTAINLY APPARENTLY GET OLYMPIC TORCHES. YES, THAT ' S THE SMART PEOPLE DO. WHEN YOU ' VE REALLY
PISSED SOME INDIVIDUALS OFF. HAND THEM A TORCH. EVIDENTLY, THEY RAN OUT. OLYMPIC PITCHFORKS.
A HAPPIER MINUTE WAS GAVE BY. THE CAPTAIN OF THE JAPANESE LADY'' S CURLING TEAM. SATSUKI FUJISAWA. THE CAMERAS GRABBED.
THIS MESSAGE SHE CONTACTED HERSELF ON HER HAND:.
“” I'' M An EXCELLENT CURLER. I HAVE CONFIDENCE.
LET'' S HAVE A GOOD TIME!”. ISN'' T THAT NICE? THAT ' S EXTREMELY PLEASANT. > > Jon: VERY SWEET MESSAGE>.( APPLAUSE). > > Stephen: THAT MESSAGE ADVISES ME OF MY
. OWN HAND-BASED SELF-AFFIRMATION “” I AM EFFICIENT MONOLOGUE. I HAVE SELF-CONFIDENCE.” “” “IF FOUND, PLEASE GO BACK TO THE.
ED SULLIVAN THEATRE.”” (JOYS AS WELL AS PRAISE ).
THERE'' S JUST A LITTLE SLIDE OUT FRONT THEY COULD JUST MOVE ME. >> RIGHT IN. > > Jon: JUST GLIDE YOU RIGHT. >> IN. > > Stephen: NORTH OF THE.
BOUNDARY, A LOT OF CANADIAN TRUCKERS CONTINUE TO.
OBJECTION VACCINATION MANDATES.WE ' VE GOT AN UPDATE IN OUR. KETCHUP-FLAVORED SECTOR
: “WHOA, CANADA!”.( HONK HONK) > “> STEPHEN: EARLIER THIS
WEEK,. CANADA >> STATED A STATE OF EMERGENCY SITUATION
, BUT TRUCKERS ARE. STILL OCCUPYING DOWNTOWN OTTAWA.
AND ALSO OTTAWA RESIDENTS HAVE HAD. SUFFICIENT, AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS VIRAL CLIP OF ONE MALE. CONFRONTING THE TRUCKERS: > > SIMPLY TO MAKE SURE IT
' S CLEAR.( BLEEP) YOU. STOP TALKING>. STOP TALKING AND GO( BLEEP).
YOURSELF. (BLEEP) YOU AND ALSO TAKE YOUR. (BLEEP) ING … I WEAR '
T OFFER A (BLEEP). I PUT ON ' T GIVE A( BLEEP') ABOUT. YOU.
GO THE (BLEEP) RESIDENCE. NOBODY (BLEEP) APPRECIATES.
YOUR BULL( BLEEP ). >> > > Stephen: REMEMBER–.
( PRAISE) >> > > Stephen: SURE. >> > > Jon: A GREAT DEAL OF F-BOMBS. WHOO! >> > > STEPHEN: REMEMBER, HE'' S. CANADIAN, SO THAT ' S THE COURTEOUS VERSION.
( GIGGLING). BUT AS WITH ANYTHING THAT PISSES INDIVIDUALS OFF, AMERICAN.
TRADITIONALISTS RECOMMEND IT. SPECIFICALLY, MYPILLOW C.E.O. MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE CALLING.
911 TO RECORD An EQUINE THAT'' S BEEN STARING AT HIM. (LAUGHTER ).
LINDELL HAS A STRATEGY TO SUPPORT THE CANADIAN TRUCKERS, AS WELL AS.
YOU'' LL NEVER HUNCH WHAT IT IS.SEND THEM A BUNCH OF MYPILLOWS. (GIGGLING ). OK, YOU PRESUMED. I KNOW WHAT YOU'' RE ASKING. STEVE, WILL CERTAINLY THERE BE ENOUGH.
MYPILLOWS TO WALK AROUND? OF COURSE, GAIL. BECAUSE LINDELL FILLED UP A.
TRUCK WITH 10,000 CUSHIONS. VIRTUALLY AS LOTS OF AS ON THE BED IN
. YOUR FANTASTIC AUNT'' S GUEST AREA. (CHEERS AND ALSO APPLAUSE ).
THOSE SHAMS ARE EXCEPT SLEEPING! THESE PROTESTORS ARE .
IN THE COLD. THEY REQUIRED FOOD AND ALSO GAS, NOT.
10,000 CUSHIONS. IN WORDS OF ONE GREAT.
CANADIAN: (IRONIC BY ALANIS MORISSETTE ).
>> > > ALANIS: IT ' S LIKE 10,000 >> > >( MALE VOICE DUB) MY PILLOWS.
>> > > ALANIS: WHEN ALL YOU REQUIRED IS A BLADE, IT'' S LIKE FULFILLING THE. MAN OF MY DREAMS, AS WELL AS THEN MEETING HIS BEAUTIFUL.
>> > >( MALE VOICE DUB) PILLOW.
>> > > Stephen: BEAUTIFUL TUNE. LOVELY TUNE. IT ' S NOT JUST PILLOWS
FOR. HARD-PROTESTIN ' GROWNUPS. THERE'' S ADDITIONALLY SOME FOR THE YOUNGSTERS. >> > > WE SENT A WHOLE TRUCKLOAD OF.
THESE – CONCERNING I WEAR'' T KNOW, A THOUSAND OF THESE.
>> > > OHH, I LOVE! >> > > THESE ARE HOLY BIBLE PILLOWS FOR.
THE YOUNGSTERS UP THERE. WE GOT NOAH'' S ARK AS WELL AS >> STUFF. > > STEPHEN: YES, NOAH'' S ARK ON A. PILLOW. EXCELLENT FOR GETTING YOUR LITTLE ONES TO.
REST. (AS MOMS AND DAD).
“” GOING TO BED, HONEY. REMEMBER, GOD WILL CERTAINLY SINK “” YOU””.
FOR “” MY”” SINS, AND ALSO SAVE ONLY THE HORNIEST ANIMALS. G'' NIGHT!”.
( JOYS AND APPLAUSE) TRUE TALE. BASED ON A REAL TALE. BASED ON A TRUE TALE. SO, LINDELL FILLED UP HIS CUSHION.
CONVOY AND GONE TO THE BOUNDARY, WHERE HE WAS.
QUICKLY TRANSFORMED BACK DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE WAS NOT TOTALLY VACCINATED AND ALSO.
DID NOT HAVE A DOWNSIDE P.C.R.TEST.( JOYS AS WELL AS PRAISE). > > Jon: BEGIN, MALE! BEGIN!> > > Stephen: HE COULDN ' T. >> ASSISTANCE THE VAX REQUIRED PROTESTORS BECAUSE HE. WASN ' T FULLY VAXXED.
HOW CAN YOU DEFINE THAT?( IRONIC BY ALANIS MORISSETTE). > > ALANIS: ISN ' T IT
>> IRONIC, DON'' T YOU THINK? >'> Stephen: THANK YOU,. DR. MORISSETTE.
BUT LINDELL ' S OBTAINED A BACK-UP'STRATEGY.
TO SMUGGLE IN MUCH-NEEDED PILLOWS: HE'' S GOING TO DROP THEM.
FROM THE SKY USING HELICOPTER.OK, SO THE CANADIAN BOUNDARY. GUARDS ARE QUITING HIM FROM
DRIVING RIGHT INTO THE NATION. SO HE ' S PLAYING IT SECURE BY UTILIZING. A HELICOPTER TO GO AGAINST THEIR AIRSPACE. ADVANTAGE HE ' S OBTAINED THOSE 10,000. CUSHIONS. THEY CANISTER CUSHION THE FALL WHEN. THE CANADIAN AIRFORCE FIRES HIM DOWN.( JOYS AS WELL AS PRAISE ). MENTIONING, THEY HAVE AN
AIR FORCE, RIGHT? THEY SIMPLY BAND A GUN TO A. GOOSE. TALKING OF CRASHES, THERE
' S. NEWS FROM THE HIGH-FLYING, LOW-TRANSPARENCY WORLD OF. ELECTRONIC FINANCIAL INVESTMENTS, AND I ' LL TELL YOU ALL CONCERNING'IT IN MY NEW. SEGMENT “STORIES FROM THE CRYPTO.” > > “AXE “ME TO EXPLAIN.” >> “BLOCKCHAIN! HAHAHAHAHA! I TIN'' T.” > >> > STEPHEN: TO BEGIN WITH IN THE.
CRYPTO CRYPT, J.P. MORGAN CHASE SIMPLY OPENED A LOUNGE IN THE.
METAVERSE. AMAZING. BECAUSE WHEN I LISTENED TO THAT THERE.
WAS A VIRTUAL WORLD WHERE YOU CONTAINER BE ANYBODY AND ALSO DO ANYTHING,.
MY FIRST IDEA WAS: “” KID, I HOPE I CAN STILL GO TO.
THE FINANCIAL INSTITUTION.”” (LAUGHTER ).
DO THE D.M.V. NEXT! THE LOUNGE IS CALLED “” ONYX”” AND.
IT'' S IN A DIGITAL VARIATION OF TOKYO ' S HARAJUKU SHOPPING.
AREA, CALLED “” META-JUKU.”” SO THEY JUST PLACE META ON.
EVERY LITTLE THING TO MAKE NEW WORDS.LET ME SHOT!
THAT META-BLOWS. (LAUGHTER ).
WHAT'' S IT LIKE INSIDE THE VIRTUAL ROOM? WELL, A TIGER WANDERS THE FIRST.
FLOOR, AS WELL AS An IMAGE OF THE FINANCIAL INSTITUTION'' S BOSS JAMIE DIMON HANGS ON.
THE WALL. WHOA! THAT WENT FROM COOL TO LAME.
HORRIBLE FAST. IT'' S LIKE SOMEBODY PHRASE, “” HAPPY.
BIRTHDAY! I OBTAINED YOU A VEHICLE … RIDE WITH JAMIE DIMON.”” (GIGGLING ).
BUT THERE'' S MORE, DUE TO THE FACT THAT AFTER YOU GO INTO THE LOUNGE, A WINDING.
STAIRS BRINGS ABOUT THE 2ND FLOOR, IN WHICH A PERSON'' S CHARACTER. CANISTER SEE EXPERTS DISCUSS THE CRYPTO MARKET.AND HOPEFULLY, ANOTHER PERSON WINDING. STAIRS THAT BRINGS ABOUT THE TOP OF THE STRUCTURE SO YOUR CHARACTER. CONTAINER JUMP TO ITS FATALITY.
( CHEERS AND PRAISE). IT ' S NOT REAL.
> >'Jon: IT ' >> S AN AVATAR. >> > > Stephen: OUR NEXT STORY.
FACILITIES AROUND PREVIOUS FIRST WOMAN AND ALSO WOMAN AT.
GUIDE CLUB WHO WISHES YOU'' RE JOKING ABOUT READING.
TA-NEHISI COATES NEXT WEEK, MELANIA. JUST RECENTLY, MELANIA HELD AN.
PUBLIC AUCTION FOR A COLLECTION OF N.F.T.S ON THE “” SOLANA””.
BLOCKCHAIN. OF TRAINING COURSE, THE SOLANA BLOCKCHAIN.
IS SIMILAR TO THE ETHERIUM BLOCKCHAIN IN THAT IF YOUR.
TINDER DAY BEGINS DISCUSSING EITHER OF THEM, LEAVE THAT.
APPLEBEES. LEAVE YOUR COAT. YOU TIN GET ANOTHER PERSON ONE. THE AUCTION WAS CALLED THE.
“” PRESIDENT COLLECTION”” AND CONSISTED OF A WATERCOLOR OF THE.
PREVIOUS FIRST GIRL USING THE HAT, AS WELL AS A DIGITAL ARTWORK.
N.F.T. OF THE WATERCOLOR OF HER WEARING THE HAT. WHAT IS IT WITH THIS HOUSEHOLD AND ALSO.
SCAMMING PEOPLE WITH HATS? (CHEERS AS WELL AS APPLAUSE ).
( PIANO RIFF) NOW, THE MINIMAL PROPOSAL WAS.
SUPPOSED TO BE REGARDING $250,000, PAYABLE ONLY IN THE.
CRYPTOCURRENCY OF THE SOLANA BLOCKCHAIN.ONLY TROUBLE, IN BETWEEN
THE MOMENT. THE PUBLIC AUCTION WAS ANNOUNCED AS WELL AS THE MOMENT IT BEGAN, THAT.
TYPE OF CRYPTO PLUNGED FROM $170 PER TOKEN TO $95 PER.
TOKEN. THAT'' S GON NA BE CONFUSING FOR.
THE AUCTIONEER. (AUCTIONEER).
“” I GOT A QUOTE AT 500. SINCE SAME PROPOSAL FOR 250. WHOOPS. NOW IT'' S BACK UP TO 375. CAN I GET A BID IN REAL CASH? REAL CASH … REAL CASH … AND “” SOLD”” TO THE MALE WITH 75.
CENTS IN NICKELS!”” (GIGGLING ).
( APPLAUSE) BUT IN SPITE OF THE CURRENCY.
VARIATIONS, MELANIA'' S HAT GOT A PURCHASER! AND THE WINNER WAS … MELANIA! SINCE THE CASH THAT WON.
MELANIA'' S N.F.T.CAME FROM MELANIA'' S OWN DIGITAL.
WALLET. IT WAS HER OWN HAT, HER OWN.
WATERCOLOR, AS WELL AS HER OWN N.F.T., COMPENSATED WITH HER OWN MONEY. (VOCAL SINGING).
“” IT'' S THE CIIIIIRCLE OF SCAM!”” (CHEERS AND ALSO PRAISE ).
( PIANO RIFF) WE'' VE GOT A TERRIFIC SHOW FOR YOU.
TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE MARGARET BRENNAN AS WELL AS ADAM SCOTT. BUT WHEN WE RETURN,.
ON THE OTHER HAND! (JOYS AND ALSO PRAISE ).
( BAND PLAYING ).
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